


One step, not much (but it said enough)

by writworm42



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Lesbian AU, Sick Fic, TW Medical, hospital fic kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21638197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writworm42/pseuds/writworm42
Summary: Prompt from Athena based on the viral YouTube video with the woman who gives her girlfriend a kidney!!
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Comments: 20
Kudos: 40





	One step, not much (but it said enough)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doctorbuffypotterlock79](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorbuffypotterlock79/gifts).



> I did some research re: kidney disease, dialysis, and transplants, but I likely have gotten shit wrong. PLEASE, if you have experience with this, let me know where I've fucked up!!!
> 
> Title from You Are In Love by Taylor Swift. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Holtzmanns for being the best beta ever <3 <3 <3

Two years ago, Brooke hadn’t been able to stand the sight of needles. She hated even thinking about organs, and the sight of blood always made her feel faint. She wouldn’t have ever thought that she would get used to the sickening, too-sharp-but-too-subtle smell of latex and sanitizer that seemed to pervade every corner of every hospital in the city. She hadn’t known anything about dialysis or kidney disease, or what it looked like for a loved one to sit in an armchair overlooking a window in some failed attempt at distraction, dark circles gathering under their eyes while they counted cars in the parking lot, waiting for their treatment to finish. She hadn’t known what it would look like for them to do it every day. 

But that was two years ago, and even today, she would go through that learning curve all over again for the woman sitting across from her, squeezing her hand. 

“Okay, look.” Vanessa signals Brooke, who opens her eyes to see Vanessa sitting in her usual chair, arm slung over its armrest and attached to a host of tubes that rapidly begin to fill with thick red liquid, liquid that surges up and cycles towards a thick, heavy machine behind them before flowing back down into Vanessa’s arm again. 

“So, what do you want to do now?” Brooke watches as Vanessa leans back and closes her eyes, sighing deeply. The shorter woman opens her eyes again just long enough to shrug.

“Honestly, I just kinda wanna sleep.” 

Brooke holds in the sigh she feels bubble in her throat, leans back, and lets Vanessa sleep. 

Well, intends to--within the next minute, Vanessa pops up again, not quite alert but certainly not as tired as she had seemed a moment ago.

“You got _Game of Thrones_ on your iPad today, Mary?” she asks sheepishly, and Brooke smiles, nodding enthusiastically.

Two years ago, Brooke never would have guessed that she’d get to know every nurse on the nephrology floor by name, or that she’d never miss salt as much as she thought she would.

But she’d do it all over again, as long as she gets to see Vanessa fall asleep in the passenger seat next to her on the way home, safe and sound and alive alongside her for just one more day. 

Sure, life isn’t what Brooke thought it would be. But Vanessa is stable, and they’re okay, and all things considered, life is good.

\--

“I don’t like the look of your bloodwork.” Dr. Ganache leans back, squinting at the chart up on her computer as if trying to find something she’s missing. Brooke wishes she was, she really does; but from the look on Vanessa’s face as she peers over at Dr. Ganache’s computer too, she can tell that the doctor’s charts are indisputable.

“The dialysis ain’t workin’ anymore, is it?” Vanessa swallows hard, and Brooke doesn’t even have to ask before reaching out her hand for Vanessa to grab, the smaller woman squeezing it tightly as she lets out a shaky breath. 

_Say we’re wrong, say we’re wrong, tell us there’s other options…_

“It’s not that it’s not working entirely. It’s just that it’s…not nearly as effective, and it’s declining faster than usual.” Dr Ganache shakes her head, and somehow, Brooke doesn’t breathe any easier. 

“What are my options?” Vanessa’s voice is shaky, her grip on Brooke’s hand tightening even further. 

“At this rate, you’re gonna need a transplant.” 

They’d known this was coming; they’d known that this would be inevitable. They had always known that eventually, Vanessa would need a new kidney. But hearing it is...well, it’s something else, something nothing on earth could have prepared Brooke for. 

Because it isn’t just eventually any more. It isn’t just some day. It’s now. Vanessa needs a new kidney _now_ , and from what Dr. Ganache is saying--from what Brooke is able to absorb, ‘ _now’_ isn’t a realistic option.

_The average wait for an anonymous donor is three to five years._

It has already been two.

How many more can they wait?

\--

They don’t talk about it that night, or the next night, or the next. There’s nothing much to say; Vanessa’s on the donor list, Vanessa keeps going to dialysis, keeps pretending nothing is wrong.

Except something is. And nothing is the same. 

They play scrabble and Brooke avoids spelling out ‘KIDNEYS’ even though it would be a 70-point word. They watch _Grey’s Anatomy_ and Vanessa gets up to go to the bathroom every time there’s a surgical scene. They go to bed and hold each other close, and even though things are normal, things are okay, they have a new bedfellow, and it’s the size of an elephant.

_Three to five years._

Three to five years more of blood tests telling them they have less and less hope.

_Three to five years._

Three to five years more of being sitting ducks.

_Three to five years._

Three to five years more of deciding not to go to church on Sunday, because they can’t stand being held hostage by God, not any more. 

Until Vanessa is out with friends, and Brooke is taking a break from work, and emerges from her home office just long enough to flip through TV channels in the living room. Amidst the soap operas and _Maury_ reruns, there’s a news feature on a woman whose next-door neighbour has given her his kidney. No wait. No fee. No scrambling. He’d gotten match-tested, and then he’d given it to her, all in the span of a couple months.

A couple month is a _lot_ shorter than three to five years.

Brooke’s never had surgery at all before, let alone one as major as a kidney donation. She’s only ever learned precautions and made nephrological health-conscious lifestyle changes for Vanessa, never full-out for herself. It’d be hard, a major commitment, and a risky one at that.

But a couple months for a life’s worth of a sure future with Vanessa is a lot better than three to five years filled with question marks. 

So without much other consideration, she gets out her laptop and starts to research.

\--

“No.” 

Brooke blinks, shock overtaking her like a kick in the face. “No?” 

“No.” As if to add insult to injury, Vanessa rolls her eyes, her voice curt. “It’s too risky, Brooke.”

“But it’s risky for you too!” Brooke points out, her voice rising a little. “The more you wait, the sicker you’ll be, and then an already-risky surgery will become even more dangerous.”

Vanessa says nothing, and for a moment, anxiety seeps into Brooke’s chest, thoughts and regrets filling her mind.

Has she gone too far? Has she said something she isn’t supposed to? Fuck, she’s hinted at the one thing they don’t want to talk about, the one thing that’s always in their minds but that they had silently agreed never to speak into existence--

“I know. I just… I just don’t want you to suffer because of me.” Vanessa mumbles, barely audible, her eyes low. 

“Oh, baby.” Brooke softens, grabbing Vanessa’s hand and giving it a tight, comforting squeeze, smiling when Vanessa’s eyes trail up to meet hers. “I already suffer plenty because of you, but that has more to do with your personality and fashion sense than your kidneys.” 

Vanessa laughs, loud and barking and finally herself again, and just like that, Brooke knows it’s all going to be okay.

“I did the research into the risks and everything. It’s no summer stroll, but it’s not as dangerous as I know you’re probably thinking it is. It could work, Vanessa. But that’s besides the point right now--all we have to do now is test to see if it’s a match. We can take it from there.”

“Alright.” Vanessa nods, a smile spreading across her face. “Let’s get tested. We’ll take it from there.” 

When Brooke kisses her, it’s different than it usually feels--not any less loving, not any less meaningful or sentimental, but somehow, renewed. Full of hope.

Like they’re secretly telling each other that they’ll never let each other go. 

\--

Vanessa is in the shower when Brooke gets the call.

“You’re a match, Brooke.” Dr. Ganache’s voice is as excited as Brooke feels when she delivers the news, and Brooke feels like she could faint, she really does. “If Vanessa agrees, we can start scheduling and prepping the surgery for some time next month.”

She’s a match. Vanessa’s getting a kidney. _Her_ kidney. 

She thanks Dr Ganache and hangs up the phone in a trance, only remembering to breathe once she’s finished dialing Vanessa’s mom to tell her the good news. 

Vanessa’s getting a kidney. _Vanessa’s getting a kidney._ And Brooke gets to be the one to tell her.

The minute she realizes that, a new idea pops into her head, and she tells Anabelle she’ll call her back from her cell, that she’s got to get to the dollar store right away.

\--

Brooke doesn’t bother to tell their families to be quiet when coming in and set up because she knows that Vanessa rests after something as strenuous as showering these days. Vanessa is either asleep, or she’ll come out of their room to see what is going on, which is just as well at this point. For the past half hour, Brooke’s been moving faster than she ever has in her life, calling and ordering and buying and cutting and gluing the perfect surprise for Vanessa. Now people are flooding through their front door dragging balloons and cakes, with the main piece, the piece de resistance they plan to use to break the news, nestled in Brooke’s arms. 

“Hide the balloons and cakes in the kitchen, then come out to the living room.” she whispers under her breath to the others, who scurry away to do as she says. 

For her part, Brooke can hardly contain her own excitement as she rushes about to adjust everything, make sure everything is perfect, until finally, the sounds of stirring from upstairs make her jump to attention.

“Baby?” Vanessa’s voice sounds from the top of the stairs and everyone freezes. 

This is it.

“In the living room!” Brooke calls, trying her best to keep her voice level and calm. The efforts fail, however, and it’s just as well--Vanessa’s never been able to resist a surprise, and so within a few seconds, she’s flown down the stairs and into the room, cheeks flushed with excitement.

“What’s everyone doing here?” Vanessa frowns, despite the ghost of a smile on her face that begins to appear as she looks around the room. “We havin’ a party or something?”

“Or something.” Brooke grins, grabbing Vanessa by the hand and giving her a kiss before leading her over to the table where a big gift box sits right at the centre. 

“Open it.” Brooke nudges the box towards Vanessa, laughing when Vanessa obeys without hesitation, attacking the box with eager hands to unwrap it and tear off the top.

Vanessa’s face when she begins to go through the box’s contents is priceless, her smile so wide and happy that Brooke wishes she could frame the memory of it and keep it on their wall forever. Each gift gets Vanessa more and more excited, and Brooke is so entertained that almost forgets the real surprise that’s waiting. Finally, though, Vanessa’s scooped away every crayon packet, stuffed frog, and puzzle book, and there’s only two gifts left in the box. A pikachu bucket hat that Vanessa spends a good two minutes modelling and taking pictures in, and a sheet of poster paper, just over legal size.

“Come on, mija, read it!” Vanessa’s mother prompts, shaking Vanessa away from her Christmas-morning-like state and redirecting her towards the still-waiting poster.

“Okay, okay, I’m going!”

There’s a pause while Vanessa looks over the paper, everyone holding their breath and watching for her reaction, some of her family pulling out their phones to capture the moment. 

“Baby, I…” Vanessa looks back up at Brooke, her hands over her mouth, and Brooke sees that there are tears in Vanessa’s eyes, tears that are barely keeping from spilling over as she begins to bounce in happiness, the rhythm of her movements on her toes speeding up as the message on the paper truly sinks in.

“We did it, baby,” Brooke grins, “You’re getting a new kidney.”

Vanessa’s scream of joy is heard down the street, and soon the house is full of friends and neighbours come to hear what’s going on and share in the celebration, Vanessa so happy she barely lets go of Brooke for the rest of the night. 

\--

“Brooke?”

Brooke turns around in bed, blinking sleepily. “Yeah?” 

“I can’t believe it.” Vanessa is still laying down, still snuggled under blankets up to her chin, but she has a different look about her, one that isn’t the groggy, comfortable look that Brooke is used to seeing her when she’s trying to fall asleep. Instead, her eyes are misty with something more than fatigue, wide and searching as they stare up at the ceiling.

“Can’t believe what?” Brooke feels her breath catching in her throat as she asks the question, worries suddenly filling her mind. Is it too much for Vanessa? Has she changed her mind? Has she already made peace with dying, and doesn’t want to go through with it now? 

But then Vanessa turns towards her, and it’s not despair or anxiety or sadness in her eyes--it’s _happiness_ , a pure joy that’s visible even behind the wavering wall of tears threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. 

“I’m getting a kidney.” 

The tears start to fall just as Brooke wraps Vanessa in and pulls her close, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head.

“I love you, Ness.”

“Obviously.” Vanessa snorts, and Brooke laughs, and then they’re both giggling, unable to stop until tiredness gets the best of them and forces them to settle.

“Brooke?” Vanessa yawns, fighting to keep her eyes open as Brooke feels her own eyelids flutter, teetering on the edge of dozing off. 

“Mhm?” She fights off the sleep long enough to ask, pulling Vanessa’s warm body closer still.

“I love you, too.” 

\--

The time before the transplant passes in a flurry of appointments, support group meetings, and prep sessions, leaving their heads spinning with new precautions, medications, and peer advice that never seem to end. As overwhelming as it is, Brooke can’t help but feel confident as they walk through the hospital doors on the day of their procedure. Not because she’s sure it’ll go off without a hitch--it very well might not. And not because she’s ready--how could she be, when she was about to undergo a surgery that could make or break both her and Vanessa’s lives? But she’s confident nonetheless, all because Vanessa is walking beside her, holding her hands, beaming with hope and excitement. And whenever Brooke’s stomach flips, or her heartbeat kicks up, or a nasty thought pops into her head, all she has to do is look at Vanessa, and everything slows down again.

Not because the last two years have been a breeze. Not because Vanessa isn’t scared. But precisely because they’ve made it through two years of struggle, of fear, of things that worked and things that didn’t. Because even amid all of that, they’ve found joy in each other, found strength and a million reasons to smile. So no matter what happens, Brooke knows that it’ll be alright--because it always is, and always will be, as long as she has Vanessa by her side.

“Y’all ready?” Dr. Ganache comes into their hospital room just before the procedure, a huge grin on her face and their surgeon in tow.

“Ready as we’ll ever be.” Vanessa nods, reaching for Brooke’s hand.

“Absolutely.” Brooke squeezes back, nodding in turn. 

They’re wheeled into the OR side by side, holding hands right until the last second when the anesthetic hits, and everything goes black.

\--

The recovery room is spinning as Brooke’s eyes blink open, searching through the still-drugged haze for the only thing her mind can find the strength to think about.

_Vanessa._ Her eyes settle on the sleeping girl next to her only a moment later, and it’s like the whole world has snapped into clear, sharp focus again.

Vanessa has an oxygen mask on, and tubes coming out of almost every inch of exposed skin, but she’s alive, and breathing, and slowly blinking awake, her eyes misty with anesthetic but nonetheless full of relief and contentment.

“Hey, you’re up.” Vanessa’s words are lilted, almost as if she’s a little tipsy, but she’s smiling, and God, it’s only been a few hours, but Brooke’s missed that smile. 

“I’m up.” She nods. She tries to move her hand over to where Vanessa is, tries to reach out to her, but a monitor beeps, and a nurse rushes over to scold her, telling her she needs to wait out the effects of the anesthetic before she even _thinks_ about moving. 

“You got told.” Vanessa giggles, and Brooke can’t help it--she giggles too, and soon, even the nurse is laughing, relief and triumph filling the room and making everything feel light as air. 

“So,” Brooke laughs a little even as things settle, still half loopy from the anesthetic and half drunk on the situation, the fact that the transplant was successful, that they’re both still here, together, and they’re going to be okay. “How does it feel to have me inside of you?”

The nurse boos, and Vanessa and Brooke crack up all over again.

“It feels great.” Vanessa whispers as she shifts a bit in bed, snuggling deeper into the thin hospital blanket draped over her body. “Absolutely amazing. Thank you so much, baby.” 

“I love you.” Brooke yawns, and then sleep overtakes her again, soft and warm and full of dreams of the next three to five years. It’s only when she wakes up, though, and they’re back in their room that the dream doesn’t just break--it expands, and she’s looking at her forever, contained in one rosy face staring back at her, smiling like it’s the first day they met.

“Hey, Brooke?” 

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed <3


End file.
